What We're Not Writing

"Easy Enchilada Casserole"

2008-02-12T21:37:00.000-08:00

Adapted from a recipe.

4 boneless, skinless chicken breast halves on spring break in Cancun suddenly find themselves mixed up with 3 cups of salsa and a wisecracking can of cream of chicken soup. Together the gang jumps into a 9x13 baking dish and hits the road, where in no time they're layered with 12 sexy young tortillas and 4 promiscuous cups of shredded Monterey Jack cheese. Then things really heat up -- to 350 degrees for 55 minutes! (Movie would've been enjoyed by 8 to 10.)

"Fists Of Feet"

2008-02-11T23:44:00.000-08:00

A martial arts expert seeks revenge on the twisted transplant surgeon who wronged him.

"Crossover"

2008-02-08T21:01:00.000-08:00

A special episode of “Wet/Dry” in which Officers McMurtry and Davis bring in tree whisperer Jack Killian and U.S.-born Nigel Devonshire to help solve the case of a promising young high school baseball player killed in a botched heroin deal behind a bowling alley. Using whichever pieces of evidence have not already been swallowed by the district’s leading forensics experts, the team tracks the case from the world of commercial refrigeration to a surprisingly upbeat tenement house, interrogating everyone from a grieving, caffeine-addicted couple to one remarkably gay family. When an off-camera explosion threatens to scuttle the entire investigation, they’ll need the help of Ronny Keane, some avid reality TV fans, a computer lady and a car guy, a parrot in a wig, the governor’s butler, a blandly attractive set of quintuplets, a group of horny New Yorkers, and a really funny payroll guy who works with Uncle Gene. Not to mention, of course, a manephant.

"Cookies & Chrome"

2008-02-07T07:00:00.000-08:00

Sitcom. A prim website administrator is forced to move in with a boorish auto restorer. Looks like she's going to have to reset her Privacy settings!

"Vaguely Romantic"

2008-02-06T21:03:00.000-08:00

A roughly 30-ish woman, who has some kind of character flaw or unfulfilled need, meets a man who seems completely wrong for her for some reason. But when they find themselves in a situation together (not this, but something like a month-long Alaskan cruise), they end up falling in... well, let's say "love" as a placeholder.

"Squarin' Off"

2008-02-05T10:17:00.000-08:00

A flashy, trash-talking street player crashes the stuffy, elite world of the Four-Square Nationals. Ever seen a 360 Popcorn-Bus Stop combo? Well, guess what, son -- while you were trying to figure out if those moves were "regulation", you just got Shoeshined!

"Rita Wilson's War"

2008-02-04T23:01:00.000-08:00

The story of a woman who uses creative thinking and a little political wheeling-and-dealing in a clandestine effort to get Tom to shut up about the astronauts already.

"Tongue-In-Chief"

2008-02-01T21:44:00.000-08:00

Feature. When Air Force One is struck by lightning, cynical President Kyle Blevins is incinerated -- except for his tongue, which is brought back to life by government scientists, and goes on to speak the truth about America in a way his full-bodied self never could.

"Polly Want A Punchline"

2008-01-31T21:29:00.000-08:00

A series for Animal Planet that would have garnered a lot of attention, as one of the world's only sketch comedy shows performed by and for parrots.

"Operating Your Philips Norelco 9160XL SmartTouch-XL Electric Shaver"

2008-01-30T22:13:00.000-08:00

Manual.

(Our apologies for the clerical error -- this is what we *are* writing.)

"Sayonara, Mein Señor Chapeau"

2008-01-29T21:28:00.000-08:00

Foreign film with global appeal.

"Set It And Regret It"

2008-01-28T08:52:00.001-08:00

Horror film about a cursed slow-cooker crock pot. Whenever someone makes stew in it, they die 10-12 hours later.

“Sgt. Joe Bomowski”

2008-01-25T22:28:00.000-08:00

Screenplay that would’ve helped Sylvester Stallone in his comeback attempt, by getting back to the core of his character from Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot.

"Chillin' Like A Villain"

2008-01-24T21:23:00.000-08:00

One-hour FX series focusing on Mike Kottmeier, Tucson's bad boy of commercial refrigeration. In the pilot, he would've been described by his main rival as "colder than a semi-hermetic freon compressor."

“Nympho Jacuzzi Party”

2008-01-23T19:41:00.000-08:00

Nature documentary about the life cycle of the European sandworm that probably wouldn’t have sold, but definitely wouldn’t have sold if we called it “The Life Cycle Of The European Sandworm.”

"Thelonious Banana McJefferson"

2008-01-22T21:50:00.000-08:00

A quirky indie film about a quirky teenage outsider with a quirky fashion style, quirky interests, and a quirky way of talking to his quirky friends and family.

"House" (spec)

2008-01-21T08:16:00.000-08:00

In our sample episode, Dr. House would have been suspended by hospital administrators after what he originally diagnoses as a case of the Mondays turns out to be a much more serious outbreak of the Blahs.

"Which One Of You Is My Goddamn Wife?"

2008-01-18T20:53:00.000-08:00

Sitcom. To save money, a newlywed couple shares a house with the bride's four identical quintuplet sisters. (With the help of computer trickery, all five women would have been played by "Meet The Parents" star Teri Polo.)

"A Lot Off The Top"

2008-01-17T21:40:00.000-08:00

A fast-paced, high-octane action movie set in the world of competitive haircutting.

"Mouthful Of Life"

2008-01-16T21:08:00.000-08:00

Inspired by The Bucket List. A terminally ill man vows to order every item on the Cheesecake Factory menu before he dies.

"The Coo Cluck Clan"

2008-01-15T22:09:00.000-08:00

Animated feature about three "plucky" chickens who "fly the coop" and end up forming a new family with the pigeons who "take them under their wings"! Also, they're all white supremacists.

"The Saline Solution"

2008-01-14T21:10:00.000-08:00

Sci-fi. A flipped contact lens allows a man to see into another dimension.

"Family Secrets"

2008-01-11T21:37:00.000-08:00

Drama series about the O'Rourke family, in which everyone has something to hide. Husband Jerry is living a double life, hiding his homosexuality from even his wife Barbara, who closely guards a secret of her own: she's gay. Meanwhile, neither parent realizes that their daughter Kimberly is a lesbian. And they're all in the dark about son Ryan, whose non-straightness is the biggest secret of all.

"Sweet, Low and On Top"

2008-01-10T21:56:00.000-08:00

Speculative fiction about what the U.S. would be like today if saccharin were still the #1 artificial sweetener.

"Why?"

2008-01-09T22:11:00.000-08:00

The story of Eli Whitney and the cotton gin, set in the year 2500 and performed by an all-transgender cast.

"Roots Of All Evil"

2008-01-08T15:17:00.000-08:00

One-hour series about a detective who solves cases by visiting crime scenes and talking to the trees planted there.

"Mr. Dunne"

2008-01-07T20:42:00.000-08:00

Using tough love and high standards, an unconventional teacher inspires a motley group of students to defy expectations and make yet another movie exactly like The Great Debaters, Stand And Deliver, Dangerous Minds, Lean On Me, Freedom Writers, and To Sir, With Love.

“Here’s The Beef”

2008-01-04T21:27:00.000-08:00

Biopic that would have chronicled the meteoric rise, adrenaline and addiction-fueled lifestyle, and gloriously tragic demise of Wendy’s spokeswoman Clara Peller.

"Bill Times Six"

2008-01-03T20:37:00.000-08:00

The story of a man named William who uses only paper money, writes drafts of laws, used to play pro football in Buffalo, charges for goods and services, and has a mouth like a duck.

"Typhoid Jen"

2008-01-02T15:22:00.000-08:00

Romantic comedy. An anthropology grad student finds an unlikely soulmate among a group of primitive mountain people living untouched by Western civilization, but is forced to win him back after her slight head cold wipes out everyone else in his tribe.

"Know The Score"

2008-01-01T22:21:00.000-08:00

We would have written questions for a game show on ESPN Classic in which contestants would've been given the point totals from a game, and asked to name the sport, teams, and date.

"Auld Lang Crime"

2007-12-31T19:50:00.000-08:00

An expanded, 2-hour "Spit It Out, Carl!" in which Macklin and Burwell would have investigated a death at a New Year's party, while desperately trying to keep the DNA-laden party hats out of a certain co-worker's gullet.

"Tran-Sylvania"

2007-12-28T20:26:00.000-08:00

Horror movie. When a couple installs a state-of-the-art home theater system, their rejected electronics equipment rises from the junkyard and seeks revenge.

"Suspicion”

2007-12-27T19:39:00.000-08:00

A suspense thriller with a shocking twist. At the very end of the movie, the frustrated detective has the sickening realization that he is in fact not a police detective, but a blueberry muffin with delusions of grandeur. (On repeated viewings of the movie, the audience would have noticed that Det. Barry Muffin was never NOT seen on the counter of the precinct break room.)

"Santa 2 Santa 2"

2007-12-26T07:09:00.000-08:00

Sequel. This time the race would have been in Europe.

"Santa 2 Santa"

2007-12-25T06:41:00.001-08:00

Two department-store Santas compete in a cutthroat road rally from Santa Fe, New Mexico to Santa Barbara, California. But when a jolly old mechanic in red coveralls mysteriously shows up to help them with their cars, they just might learn the true meaning of Christmas.

"A Cup Of Christmas"

2007-12-24T07:34:00.000-08:00

On this special holiday episode of "...Tea At...", the gang would have gathered at Clive's Brooklyn apartment to eat figgy pudding and share memories of Christmases past. (You wouldn't have believed Cordelia's '80s hair!)

"It Was The Guy With The Eyepatch"

2007-12-21T00:24:00.000-08:00

Murder mystery. Twelve characters board a chartered yacht for a dinner party -- an hour later, one winds up dead. Which guest was the killer? Was it Baron Von Bromeier, the greedy land-owner? Or Vanessa, the socialite with a dark secret? Or the guy with the eyepatch? Or Klaus, the mysterious ex-spy? A classic "Whichonedidit".

“’Tis The Deceason”

2007-12-20T07:41:00.000-08:00

Ryan Seacrest would have hosted this holiday special featuring the festively embalmed corpses of Robert Goulet, Ike Turner, Dan Fogelberg, Marcel Marceau, and Evel Knievel (flung by catapult over 50 Christmas trees). Plus a special beat-box performance by living “American Idol” runner-up Blake Lewis!

"Stuck At Second"

2007-12-19T06:47:00.000-08:00

In the vein of "Friday Night Lights". A sports-based character drama about a high school baseball player frustrated with the progress of his physical relationship with his girlfriend.

“The Denominator”

2007-12-18T07:06:00.000-08:00

Sci-fi action thriller about a cyborg sent from a post-apocalyptic future to convert decimals into fractions.

"A Ringing Unanswered"

2007-12-17T07:29:00.001-08:00

Lifetime movie about a single mother suffering from tinnitus. (For realism, the movie would have featured a high-pitched whine that grew louder until it drowned out all dialogue.)

“Shake, Rattle, and Roll”

2007-12-14T08:09:00.000-08:00

You would’ve had the right to remain laughing as cop partners Pete Shake and Tommy Rattle are forced to team up with a wisecracking ex-con (name TBD).

"Julie O'Roberts"

2007-12-13T00:31:00.000-08:00

We don’t know what it would have been about, but if it somehow won an Academy Award, we bet Julia Roberts would think they’d announced her name, and go up to make an acceptance speech, only to be told, “No, not you -- the movie ‘Julie O’Roberts.’” And she’d probably try to play it off like she was just goofing around, but deep down? She’d be totally embarrassed.

"LINNARP"

2007-12-12T08:30:00.001-08:00

Biopic about Swedish political figure Svingen Linnarp, who overcame poverty and illness to be immortalized in a line of storage and display furniture at Ikea.

"Tween-ement"

2007-12-11T09:45:00.000-08:00

Disney Channel series about a group of plucky eleven-year-olds living in a rundown low-income housing building. Would've starred Zac Efron's little brother Ric.

“The Sketch Comedy Show”

2007-12-10T09:53:00.001-08:00

Every week, caricature artist Ronny Keane (played by real-life caricature artist Ron Kantrowitz) would have drawn one of his favorite “Mad TV” characters from memory.

"A Bucketful Of Forever"

2007-12-07T07:50:00.000-08:00

Children's movie. A down-on-his-luck janitor sees his fortunes change when he finds the Fountain Of Youth in his mop bucket.

“Jonathan’s Uncle Gene’s Industrial Supply Company”

2007-12-06T07:13:00.001-08:00

Tell you what, some of the things that happen in his office, with all the crazy people who work there… now, that should be a sitcom.

"Witchbot"

2007-12-05T08:54:00.000-08:00

In a world full of killer robots, the scariest robot of all is the one that's also a witch. (Not to be confused with "Botwich", about a scientist who invents the first fully-automated Sloppy Joe.)

"Booting Up"

2007-12-04T06:43:00.000-08:00

Prequel that would have explored the childhood forces that shaped a young Drake Ryerson, molding him into the iconic computer programmer you would have fallen in love with in “Logged In!”

"Stevie's Smoking"

2007-12-03T07:11:00.000-08:00

TV movie. A cautionary tale about a seventh-grade boy who starts smoking, and soon is so popular that he becomes sexually active with multiple partners (thereby putting himself at risk for STD's).

Please Note:

2007-11-30T07:45:00.001-08:00

If we weren't on strike, today we would have had a lunch meeting with someone to discuss some project that probably never would've ended up happening. Instead, we’re having lunch alone at Panera (G: Bacon Turkey Bravo, J: Broccoli Cheddar in a bread bowl), and we're not discussing any project at all, so it definitely won’t happen. And we have to pay for ourselves. And we probably can’t even write it off.

"Wait, What'd I Miss?"

2007-11-29T00:27:00.000-08:00

A "24"-style real-time action series in which all the key plot points happen during the commercial breaks.

"OMG, JFK, WTF?"

2007-11-28T08:17:00.001-08:00

A modern re-imagining of the Bay Of Pigs Invasion, set in high school.

"Bloody Good"

2007-11-27T06:59:00.001-08:00

A detective in Chicago’s Violent Crimes Unit investigates the mystery of why his voice-over has a slight British accent.

“I’m Not There Either”

2007-11-26T07:39:00.000-08:00

Unconventional biopic of “The Lady In Red” singer Chris De Burgh, featuring six different actors playing the languid tunesmith at various stages of his career. (Before the strike, this project had generated considerable buzz within the De Burgh family.)

"Pins And Needles"

2007-11-23T07:52:00.000-08:00

A fast-paced comedy intercutting between four guys on a bowling team and four heroin addicts in a Skid Row shooting gallery. Shows that people are all really the same, and all of our hobbies are equally valid.

“It’s Thanksgiving, Cantankerous Old Lady From The Greeting Cards”

2007-11-22T01:39:00.000-08:00

Based on the success of the Peanuts animated special, this “instant classic” would have brought you the holiday as celebrated by whatever that character’s name is, if she even has one. Look out, any Pilgrims who are turning 40!

"Small Plates, Big Problems"

2007-11-21T08:01:00.000-08:00

Feature screenplay. A petty thief on the run from the mob hides out by opening a tapas bar.

"Around The World"

2007-11-20T07:45:00.000-08:00

Drama series that follows six people from diverse cultures and backgrounds who get together every Sunday and watch “The Amazing Race.”

"Logged In!"

2007-11-19T07:16:00.001-08:00

A computer programmer is struck by lightning and gains the power to check his e-mail without using his password.

"The Canoodling"

2007-11-16T10:01:00.000-08:00

In this horror film, zombies would've risen from the grave to "smooch 'n' cuddle" with the residents of a small New England town.

"A Cup Of Tea At Me Mate's Flat"

2007-11-15T19:29:00.000-08:00

Adapted from the hit BBC comedy that cleverly explored issues of class in modern British society. The American version would have been about New Yorkers trying to get laid.

"Seven Help Me"

2007-11-14T07:39:00.001-08:00

A Disney family comedy that would've starred ultimate fighter Chuck Liddell as a lifelong bachelor suddenly forced to care for an unruly but lovable pack of septuplets (several of whom have serious medical conditions due to their premature birth).

"Wet/Dry"

2007-11-13T20:17:00.001-08:00

A buddy show about two cops, one with overactive sweat glands, and the other with a chronic case of cotton mouth.

"Every Which Way Including Loose"

2007-11-12T10:44:00.000-08:00

The 1978 movie pulled out almost all the stops, but that won’t cut it in “Extreme ‘07”! Rest assured, in this remake, one of the many ways the guy and his orangutan would have gone would definitely have been loose.

"Venti Nonfat Pumpkin Spice Latte"

2007-11-09T10:31:00.000-08:00

A character-based one-hour drama about a couple whose marriage is torn apart by the death of their son. Project would have received some promotional consideration from Starbucks.

"Fly Off The Wall"

2007-11-08T19:40:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder what your life would look like as seen by a housefly? Don't answer yet! Now what if it wasn't just any fly, but a wacky free spirit who is NOT afraid to go there! (A computer-animated half-hour comedy that would've featured the voice of "Canadian Bacon's" Kevin Pollak.)

"Spit It Out, Carl!"

2007-11-07T21:06:00.001-08:00

A forensics team attempts to solve crimes despite the fact that their assistant keeps accidentally eating the evidence.

"Captain Perv"

2007-11-06T21:26:00.000-08:00

Big-budget summer blockbuster based on the popular Marvel Comics character.

"Manephant"

2007-11-05T21:26:00.000-08:00

An hour-long action/sci-fi pilot about a man with the strength of an elephant. Or maybe an elephant with the intelligence of a human. You’ll never know.