"Polly Want A Punchline"

A series for Animal Planet that would have garnered a lot of attention, as one of the world's only sketch comedy shows performed by and for parrots.

"Operating Your Philips Norelco 9160XL SmartTouch-XL Electric Shaver"

Manual.

(Our apologies for the clerical error -- this is what we *are* writing.)

"Sayonara, Mein Señor Chapeau"

Foreign film with global appeal.

"Set It And Regret It"

Horror film about a cursed slow-cooker crock pot. Whenever someone makes stew in it, they die 10-12 hours later.

“Sgt. Joe Bomowski”

Screenplay that would’ve helped Sylvester Stallone in his comeback attempt, by getting back to the core of his character from Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot.

"Chillin' Like A Villain"

One-hour FX series focusing on Mike Kottmeier, Tucson's bad boy of commercial refrigeration. In the pilot, he would've been described by his main rival as "colder than a semi-hermetic freon compressor."

“Nympho Jacuzzi Party”

Nature documentary about the life cycle of the European sandworm that probably wouldn’t have sold, but definitely wouldn’t have sold if we called it “The Life Cycle Of The European Sandworm.”

"Thelonious Banana McJefferson"

A quirky indie film about a quirky teenage outsider with a quirky fashion style, quirky interests, and a quirky way of talking to his quirky friends and family.

"House" (spec)

In our sample episode, Dr. House would have been suspended by hospital administrators after what he originally diagnoses as a case of the Mondays turns out to be a much more serious outbreak of the Blahs.

"Which One Of You Is My Goddamn Wife?"

Sitcom. To save money, a newlywed couple shares a house with the bride's four identical quintuplet sisters. (With the help of computer trickery, all five women would have been played by "Meet The Parents" star Teri Polo.)

"A Lot Off The Top"

A fast-paced, high-octane action movie set in the world of competitive haircutting.

"Mouthful Of Life"

Inspired by The Bucket List. A terminally ill man vows to order every item on the Cheesecake Factory menu before he dies.

"The Coo Cluck Clan"

Animated feature about three "plucky" chickens who "fly the coop" and end up forming a new family with the pigeons who "take them under their wings"! Also, they're all white supremacists.

"The Saline Solution"

Sci-fi. A flipped contact lens allows a man to see into another dimension.

"Family Secrets"

Drama series about the O'Rourke family, in which everyone has something to hide. Husband Jerry is living a double life, hiding his homosexuality from even his wife Barbara, who closely guards a secret of her own: she's gay. Meanwhile, neither parent realizes that their daughter Kimberly is a lesbian. And they're all in the dark about son Ryan, whose non-straightness is the biggest secret of all.

"Sweet, Low and On Top"

Speculative fiction about what the U.S. would be like today if saccharin were still the #1 artificial sweetener.

"Why?"

The story of Eli Whitney and the cotton gin, set in the year 2500 and performed by an all-transgender cast.

"Roots Of All Evil"

One-hour series about a detective who solves cases by visiting crime scenes and talking to the trees planted there.

"Mr. Dunne"

Using tough love and high standards, an unconventional teacher inspires a motley group of students to defy expectations and make yet another movie exactly like The Great Debaters, Stand And Deliver, Dangerous Minds, Lean On Me, Freedom Writers, and To Sir, With Love.

“Here’s The Beef”

Biopic that would have chronicled the meteoric rise, adrenaline and addiction-fueled lifestyle, and gloriously tragic demise of Wendy’s spokeswoman Clara Peller.

"Bill Times Six"

The story of a man named William who uses only paper money, writes drafts of laws, used to play pro football in Buffalo, charges for goods and services, and has a mouth like a duck.

"Typhoid Jen"

Romantic comedy. An anthropology grad student finds an unlikely soulmate among a group of primitive mountain people living untouched by Western civilization, but is forced to win him back after her slight head cold wipes out everyone else in his tribe.

"Know The Score"

We would have written questions for a game show on ESPN Classic in which contestants would've been given the point totals from a game, and asked to name the sport, teams, and date.