As every fan of watching things on screens is aware, the Writers Guild of America (WGA) has struck, or perhaps stricken, against the Alliance of Motion Picture, Television, and Made-For-Television Motion Picture Producers (AMPTMFTMPP).

As WGA members, we vow not to commit any of our brilliant ideas to the page until the studios capitulate to our demands. We refuse to draw upon our vast creative resources, which include one shared copy of Final Draft software and a vocabulary chock full of words like "capitulate," "chock full," and "lest." Lest America forget what it's missing out on, here’s WHAT WE’RE NOT WRITING today:

(To tell the world what you're not writing during the strike, click here.)

Monday, December 31, 2007

"Auld Lang Crime"

An expanded, 2-hour "Spit It Out, Carl!" in which Macklin and Burwell would have investigated a death at a New Year's party, while desperately trying to keep the DNA-laden party hats out of a certain co-worker's gullet.

Friday, December 28, 2007


Horror movie. When a couple installs a state-of-the-art home theater system, their rejected electronics equipment rises from the junkyard and seeks revenge.

Thursday, December 27, 2007


A suspense thriller with a shocking twist. At the very end of the movie, the frustrated detective has the sickening realization that he is in fact not a police detective, but a blueberry muffin with delusions of grandeur. (On repeated viewings of the movie, the audience would have noticed that Det. Barry Muffin was never NOT seen on the counter of the precinct break room.)

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

"Santa 2 Santa 2"

Sequel. This time the race would have been in Europe.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

"Santa 2 Santa"

Two department-store Santas compete in a cutthroat road rally from Santa Fe, New Mexico to Santa Barbara, California. But when a jolly old mechanic in red coveralls mysteriously shows up to help them with their cars, they just might learn the true meaning of Christmas.

Monday, December 24, 2007

"A Cup Of Christmas"

On this special holiday episode of "...Tea At...", the gang would have gathered at Clive's Brooklyn apartment to eat figgy pudding and share memories of Christmases past. (You wouldn't have believed Cordelia's '80s hair!)

Friday, December 21, 2007

"It Was The Guy With The Eyepatch"

Murder mystery. Twelve characters board a chartered yacht for a dinner party -- an hour later, one winds up dead. Which guest was the killer? Was it Baron Von Bromeier, the greedy land-owner? Or Vanessa, the socialite with a dark secret? Or the guy with the eyepatch? Or Klaus, the mysterious ex-spy? A classic "Whichonedidit".

Thursday, December 20, 2007

“’Tis The Deceason”

Ryan Seacrest would have hosted this holiday special featuring the festively embalmed corpses of Robert Goulet, Ike Turner, Dan Fogelberg, Marcel Marceau, and Evel Knievel (flung by catapult over 50 Christmas trees). Plus a special beat-box performance by living “American Idol” runner-up Blake Lewis!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

"Stuck At Second"

In the vein of "Friday Night Lights". A sports-based character drama about a high school baseball player frustrated with the progress of his physical relationship with his girlfriend.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

“The Denominator”

Sci-fi action thriller about a cyborg sent from a post-apocalyptic future to convert decimals into fractions.

Monday, December 17, 2007

"A Ringing Unanswered"

Lifetime movie about a single mother suffering from tinnitus. (For realism, the movie would have featured a high-pitched whine that grew louder until it drowned out all dialogue.)

Friday, December 14, 2007

“Shake, Rattle, and Roll”

You would’ve had the right to remain laughing as cop partners Pete Shake and Tommy Rattle are forced to team up with a wisecracking ex-con (name TBD).

Thursday, December 13, 2007

"Julie O'Roberts"

We don’t know what it would have been about, but if it somehow won an Academy Award, we bet Julia Roberts would think they’d announced her name, and go up to make an acceptance speech, only to be told, “No, not you -- the movie ‘Julie O’Roberts.’” And she’d probably try to play it off like she was just goofing around, but deep down? She’d be totally embarrassed.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007


Biopic about Swedish political figure Svingen Linnarp, who overcame poverty and illness to be immortalized in a line of storage and display furniture at Ikea.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007


Disney Channel series about a group of plucky eleven-year-olds living in a rundown low-income housing building. Would've starred Zac Efron's little brother Ric.

Monday, December 10, 2007

“The Sketch Comedy Show”

Every week, caricature artist Ronny Keane (played by real-life caricature artist Ron Kantrowitz) would have drawn one of his favorite “Mad TV” characters from memory.

Friday, December 7, 2007

"A Bucketful Of Forever"

Children's movie. A down-on-his-luck janitor sees his fortunes change when he finds the Fountain Of Youth in his mop bucket.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

“Jonathan’s Uncle Gene’s Industrial Supply Company”

Tell you what, some of the things that happen in his office, with all the crazy people who work there… now, that should be a sitcom.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007


In a world full of killer robots, the scariest robot of all is the one that's also a witch. (Not to be confused with "Botwich", about a scientist who invents the first fully-automated Sloppy Joe.)

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

"Booting Up"

Prequel that would have explored the childhood forces that shaped a young Drake Ryerson, molding him into the iconic computer programmer you would have fallen in love with in “Logged In!”

Monday, December 3, 2007

"Stevie's Smoking"

TV movie. A cautionary tale about a seventh-grade boy who starts smoking, and soon is so popular that he becomes sexually active with multiple partners (thereby putting himself at risk for STD's).

Friday, November 30, 2007

Please Note:

If we weren't on strike, today we would have had a lunch meeting with someone to discuss some project that probably never would've ended up happening. Instead, we’re having lunch alone at Panera (G: Bacon Turkey Bravo, J: Broccoli Cheddar in a bread bowl), and we're not discussing any project at all, so it definitely won’t happen. And we have to pay for ourselves. And we probably can’t even write it off.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

"Wait, What'd I Miss?"

A "24"-style real-time action series in which all the key plot points happen during the commercial breaks.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007


A modern re-imagining of the Bay Of Pigs Invasion, set in high school.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

"Bloody Good"

A detective in Chicago’s Violent Crimes Unit investigates the mystery of why his voice-over has a slight British accent.

Monday, November 26, 2007

“I’m Not There Either”

Unconventional biopic of “The Lady In Red” singer Chris De Burgh, featuring six different actors playing the languid tunesmith at various stages of his career. (Before the strike, this project had generated considerable buzz within the De Burgh family.)

Friday, November 23, 2007

"Pins And Needles"

A fast-paced comedy intercutting between four guys on a bowling team and four heroin addicts in a Skid Row shooting gallery. Shows that people are all really the same, and all of our hobbies are equally valid.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

“It’s Thanksgiving, Cantankerous Old Lady From The Greeting Cards”

Based on the success of the Peanuts animated special, this “instant classic” would have brought you the holiday as celebrated by whatever that character’s name is, if she even has one. Look out, any Pilgrims who are turning 40!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

"Small Plates, Big Problems"

Feature screenplay. A petty thief on the run from the mob hides out by opening a tapas bar.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

"Around The World"

Drama series that follows six people from diverse cultures and backgrounds who get together every Sunday and watch “The Amazing Race.”

Monday, November 19, 2007

"Logged In!"

A computer programmer is struck by lightning and gains the power to check his e-mail without using his password.

Friday, November 16, 2007

"The Canoodling"

In this horror film, zombies would've risen from the grave to "smooch 'n' cuddle" with the residents of a small New England town.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

"A Cup Of Tea At Me Mate's Flat"

Adapted from the hit BBC comedy that cleverly explored issues of class in modern British society. The American version would have been about New Yorkers trying to get laid.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

"Seven Help Me"

A Disney family comedy that would've starred ultimate fighter Chuck Liddell as a lifelong bachelor suddenly forced to care for an unruly but lovable pack of septuplets (several of whom have serious medical conditions due to their premature birth).

Tuesday, November 13, 2007


A buddy show about two cops, one with overactive sweat glands, and the other with a chronic case of cotton mouth.

Monday, November 12, 2007

"Every Which Way Including Loose"

The 1978 movie pulled out almost all the stops, but that won’t cut it in “Extreme ‘07”! Rest assured, in this remake, one of the many ways the guy and his orangutan would have gone would definitely have been loose.

Friday, November 9, 2007

"Venti Nonfat Pumpkin Spice Latte"

A character-based one-hour drama about a couple whose marriage is torn apart by the death of their son. Project would have received some promotional consideration from Starbucks.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

"Fly Off The Wall"

Ever wonder what your life would look like as seen by a housefly? Don't answer yet! Now what if it wasn't just any fly, but a wacky free spirit who is NOT afraid to go there! (A computer-animated half-hour comedy that would've featured the voice of "Canadian Bacon's" Kevin Pollak.)

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

"Spit It Out, Carl!"

A forensics team attempts to solve crimes despite the fact that their assistant keeps accidentally eating the evidence.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

"Captain Perv"

Big-budget summer blockbuster based on the popular Marvel Comics character.

Monday, November 5, 2007


An hour-long action/sci-fi pilot about a man with the strength of an elephant. Or maybe an elephant with the intelligence of a human. You’ll never know.